If you’re single, you want to be married. At least, that’s what just about everyone in the church seems to believe. Nothing brings out the inner matchmaker of well-intentioned Christians like a sweet twenty something who has somehow evaded the romantic gaze of the opposite sex. “I can’t believe you’re still single!” we say, or “Those boys/girls are crazy not to be asking you out every day!” Meanwhile, singles cringe at the reminders that they’re not in a relationship or else take a few steps back on their journey toward satisfaction in Christ alone, rather than satisfaction in a perfect Christian romance.
From my vantage point, it seems that Christian singles are pressured on all sides to be married. (If you want to know why this mentality is a mistake, click here.) But I also believe that singles tend to put this pressure on themselves. One of the major factors in this pressure toward getting married is the constant quest for “The One.”
Perhaps we were introduced to our search for “the one” in youth group, when our youth leaders told us to not to settle in our dating relationships, but instead to think of a Christlike man or woman and to accept nothing less. Don’t lower your standards.
And of course, there’s value in thinking this way. You don’t want to marry some lowlife just because he or she is into you. But here’s the problem with holding out for “The One”: He’s not real. She’s not real. You made him or her up in your mind. Which means that until science progresses several steps further, he or she will never exist in the real world.
Maybe you modeled your “one” after a youth leader, a friend’s spouse, or the Lord Jesus himself. But in the first two cases, your perception of these people is far from the reality—no matter how well you think you know him or her, you haven’t seen the depths of their sins or the enormity of their annoying habits. And in the case of Jesus, no one matches up: read the book of Hebrews.
So your quest for “The One” can only lead you to constant disappointment, and you may end up (as an added bonus) messing with another person’s self-perception through your naive expectations.
Instead of focusing on “The One,” focus on each one. As you meet a nice boy or girl that seems to have potential (you know what I’m talking about—wink wink), get to know him or her better. You might think you want to date her right away. You may be absolutely convinced that you’re going to marry him. There’s a good chance that this is “The One.”
But wait! Stop! You don’t want to marry that girl. Nor do you want to be “A Couple” with her.
When you see a guy that you’re into, you don’t really want to marry him. What you’re really thinking is that you’d like to get to know him better so that you can find out if you’d like to be in a deeper relationship with him. And if you do decide you want to be in a deeper relationship with him, then you can eventually find out if you’d like to be married to him.
Because he could be awful. Really. I promise you that nobody wants to “Be Married”—as though that were a general category that someone can obtain without entering into it with a real life, flesh and blood, very specific human being. There are a near-infinite number of people on this planet with whom marriage would be horrible. HORRIBLE! No, you don’t want to “Be Married.” But you may want to marry some specific person you meet someday. And here’s the problem: you’ll never know until you get to that point. You don’t know you really want to marry her until you know her well enough to get a sense of where she’s heading in life, what she’s passionate about, how she handles conflicts, how quickly she repents of her sin, how funny or goofy or intelligent or serious she is.
And everything I just said about “Being Married” also applies—but in a less tragic and less permanent sense—to “Being in a Dating Relationship.” You may think you want to be “Dating Someone,” but there are so many people with whom a dating relationship would be miserable.
And there’s a failsafe built in: the other person has to want it to. So even if you’re mistaken in thinking that a relationship has potential, the other person has to agree. This safety feature of relationships has prevented more than a few major mistakes in the history of boys meeting girls.
The point is: just relax. You’re going to be fine. God knows what you need; and he knows better than you do. You can abandon your quest for “The One,” for that “Dating Relationship,” for “Your Soulmate.” Stop focusing on “The One” and start focusing on each one. As God brings people into your life, get to know them. Enjoy them. Don’t make them audition for the part of “The One.” Get to know those people better, and if at some point you prayerfully decide to test the waters of a dating relationship with one of those specific flesh and blood people, then go for it, and see what happens.
Hey Mark. Huge fan of your series on dating. Great post.
Dating question for you: Is it sin for a believer to date a nonbeliever? Life to hear your thoughts.
Hey!
That’s an excellent question. It actually requires a bit more explanation than you’d think, and there is some disagreement amongst Christians. This would make a good blog post, so I’ll definitely start thinking about that. In the meantime I’ll just say that it may not be a sin to date a non-Christian (there are no biblical commands that specifically tell us not to become romantically involved with a non-Christian), but it does seem to be unwise. We’re dealing with principles when it comes to this issue.
On the one hand, we have the example of Solomon whose many pagan wives led his heart away from the Lord (not a command, but certainly a warning against marrying many pagan women and perhaps against dating one non-Christian?).
Then Paul gives us the principle of not being “unequally yoked” to an unbeliever in 2 Cor. 6:14. The passage is not explicitly about marriage, but marriage would seem to be one type of “yoking” that fits Paul’s principle, and presumably dating would fit this as well. Probably a lot of it depends on your definition of dating (e.g., am I allowed to have coffee with an unbeliever?).
Paul does say in 1 Cor. 7 that if a Christian is married to a non-Christian, he or she shouldn’t abandon his or her spouse. He says clearly that it’s not like the reality of being married to a non-Christian defiles the Christian partner.
All that to say, there are several biblical principles that come into play. I would definitely counsel people against starting down the road to marriage with someone who’s fundamental understanding of the world and basic loyalty in life are directed in an opposite direction. But the question of whether or not it’s a sin seems to me to be more complex than we’d assume. (Many would disagree with me, by the way, in both directions.) So I hope that helps, and you can pretty much count on a blog post in the relatively near future. Thanks for the topic idea. 🙂